Me: I’m going to be SO productive today
Also me: *dissociates for five hours*
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Normal Horoscope:
Aries: Success follows the sound of bells. It is quite possible you are a dirty bell thief.
Taurus: If you are tired you must rest. Demand a nap from the world. Fall asleep midsentence so you topple over on someone annoying.
Gemini: Tread carefully Gemini, you are in uncharted, and unexpectedly slippery, territory.
Cancer: Give a kid a longsword. Fuck it. Life is short.
Leo: Improvisation is for those who fail to plan. Thats nice, but when in the history of ever has anything gone to plan?
Virgo: Seem one way, be another. Its all an intricate dance. Eventually someone will find out that you are being piloted by a living fungus you got from eating snails.
Libra: What you seek is taking a day off today.
Scorpio: Win the respect of strangers! Travel only by rollerskate and sled-dog.
Ophiuchus: Flowers grow from old wounds. This is not a metaphor. It will consume you.
Sagittarius: Methinks the lady doth ingest too much. They’ll start to notice the missing children.
Capricorn: Love will come trickling from the ceiling like a broken pipe through drywall.
Aquarius: Yes the park is a pubic space, but your tiddies are not.
Pisces: It is time to go supercritical. Reach extremely high temperatures but without the space to expand.
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